Table Edge Novelties

Tag: deals

  • Announcing Our Loyalty Program (Treats Required)

    Announcing Our Loyalty Program (Treats Required)

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    Experts agree that a loyalty program that pays in headbutts is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our standard approach involves a loyalty program that pays in headbutts, followed by a shipping department located under the couch, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    As always, results may vary, fur may transfer, and the management accepts no responsibility for the hairball.

  • Gift Guide: Things They Will Ignore

    Gift Guide: Things They Will Ignore

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around a loyalty program that pays in headbutts.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a returns policy enforced by staring is not a bug. It is the product.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Experts agree that a shipping department located under the couch is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • Our Returns Policy, Explained With Hissing

    Our Returns Policy, Explained With Hissing

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    The old guard prefers a shipping department located under the couch. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    Our standard approach involves a warehouse mostly made of boxes, followed by a loyalty program that pays in headbutts, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Shipping Updates From a Warehouse Full of Boxes

    Shipping Updates From a Warehouse Full of Boxes

    At Table Edge Novelties, we try to keep things simple, which means we complicate them and then take a nap.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    The old guard prefers a warehouse mostly made of boxes. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.