Table Edge Novelties

Category: Store News

  • Holiday Hours: Whenever the Sun Moves

    Holiday Hours: Whenever the Sun Moves

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our standard approach involves a returns policy enforced by staring, followed by a shipping department located under the couch, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a warehouse mostly made of boxes is not a bug. It is the product.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.

  • Gift Guide: Things They Will Ignore

    Gift Guide: Things They Will Ignore

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around a loyalty program that pays in headbutts.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a returns policy enforced by staring is not a bug. It is the product.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Experts agree that a shipping department located under the couch is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • Our Returns Policy, Explained With Hissing

    Our Returns Policy, Explained With Hissing

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    The old guard prefers a shipping department located under the couch. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    Our standard approach involves a warehouse mostly made of boxes, followed by a loyalty program that pays in headbutts, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • How We Choose Our Products (A Cat Sits On Them)

    How We Choose Our Products (A Cat Sits On Them)

    At Table Edge Novelties, we try to keep things simple, which means we complicate them and then take a nap.

    The old guard prefers a returns policy enforced by staring. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a warehouse mostly made of boxes is not a bug. It is the product.

    Experts agree that a shipping department located under the couch is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.